A Number on my Subconscious!

I went deep today, deeper than I usually go. It probably had something to do with all of the utterly awesome and exhausting sex that went on both before and after trance. *makes notes*

He gave me a bunch of suggestions, of course, and I only remember one: it was that I'd feel the need to press my body up against him more often (while spooning and when hanging out in general). He needs to give me suggestions like this, of course, because, well, I love spooning, but I like my space too. :p

After he woke me up, that was the only suggestion I remembered clearly, so being the inner skeptic/brat that I am, I ran some mental tests. It did feel really good to cuddle so closely (and I was while I was thinking about it XD) ...but was that due to the sex? I tried to picture what I'd done in the past after sex. I usually roll over and get as far away from his sweaty self as possible, don't I?

What're you talking about? My subconscious seemed to say. You love cuddling after sex! And, try as I might, every time I tried to picture what I did, my mental self always -- always-- snuggled very closely up against him.

I have to say, it was deeply amusing watching my conscious and subconscious minds argue a bit. :p

Oh, and while I'm here. He used some nice passive forgetful wording ("you can let yourself leave these suggestions in trance") and when I was coming up, he described it as if I were waking up from a heavy sleep, and I seemed to take that as me waking up and forgetting a dream, ie, the suggestions. I'm impressed. :D

First Security Check

So, remember once upon a time Nauzy gave me a few security suggestions, because I was having trust issues? Well, we found that they work remarkably well.

I told him last week that it would be hot if he put me under and I woke up being fucked, not remembering anything in between. Kind of like what Claire wanted in chapter three of Busman's Holiday (terrible that I know that :p). Apparently the idea appealed to him too, because that's what he set out to do when I let him have his way with me this weekend.

He used a trigger he put in a while back where he kind of shouts "sleep!" and I go under. I prefer one where he doesn't shout, but as long as I go deep it doesn't really matter in the end. :p He rambled a while, and I went further down, then he used a staircase deepener. I really like his staircase deepeners; I'm usually terrible about visualization, but they work well for me. Probably because I'm sleep-deprived and can relate oh-so thoroughly to the idea of wanting to just tumble into a big bed with soft, fluffy pillows...

Eventually I was pretty much out (navy blue, but definitely not blank), so he started to take my clothes off. Now, the room was cold, and even though I was in his bed under some blankets, my naked self started to get cold, and colder still when he moved the blankets to hop in with me. But I was deep, so I'd go along with what he wanted, then think, "but I'm cooold, and what is he doing; I should wake up and say something..." and then I'd be like, "but I'm sooo comfortable right now, I don't wanna wake up..." and I'd kick my skirt off my ankles or whatever.

Here I will note that being hypnotized seemed to override my reflex to shiver; I just didn't.

Eventually we were both naked, and he moved to see how wet I was. He dipped a finger in me, and I heard, "oh, you are a bit wet..." Now you guys all know that sex just does not feel good if the woman's not wet (unless she's a masochist, and let me tell you, I am the anti-masochist :p). I didn't question the fact that I'd been under for a while, and hypnosis rarely fails to make me eight kinds of dripping... but I was hypnotized. So my poor literal subconscious was all, "okay, I'm not that wet; he'll talk to me some more or something." But I felt Nauzy move to enter me, and my eyes flew open and I said, terrified, "but I'm not wet!"

And then it was kind of awkward, because I was completely awake (and I mean completely awake) and Nauzy felt terrible, and I felt violated on some level. Which bothered me, because nothing bad had happened and I shouldn't've wanted to curl up fully clothed somewhere else. But the evening ended on a sour note, unfortunately.

Nevertheless, I try to keep a glass-half-full frame of mind, and the plus side is that I didn't hesitate to wake up when I felt I was in danger (yes, any kind of pain is danger to me. :p). So my security works well, and that's good.