consent and comfort levels

I spoke with V, again, about my sexblogging, and she said she's really not comfortable with people reading about sexy things she does in such a public venue as this. I have deleted the posts talking about her, so if you're wondering where they went, that's what's happened.

It's dissapointing, a bit, but I firmly feel that sexy things are only good and sexy if everyone involved is comfortable with everything going on, and that includes my blogging about it.

Why I don't do stage shows

Something about hypnosis stage shows has always squicked me, and I've never been able to put my finger on it. I've never wanted to participate in one, and I tend to dislike watching them.

Part of it, I've figured, is because your average stage show does nothing sexy except the initial induction. The tricks and games all tend to have an element of public humiliation to them, and that sort of thing is neither entertaining nor amusing to me. Just my personal preference; more power to people who do like it.

But the other part of it hit me the other day, the root of why I will not, under any circumstances, participate in a traditional hypnosis stage show: there's no negotiation beforehand. When you get up and volunteer to participate, you are absolutely trusting that the hypnotist won't do anything that's a hard limit for you, without having discussed your limits (and their abilities and comfort zones) beforehand.

I was doing some negotiation with a 'tist, once, and he said "you seem to be very keen to know exactly what's going to happen when I put you under." and I kind of shrugged, at the time, like "yeah, well, I'm weird, fucking tell me what's going to happen already." But later, replaying the negotiation in my head, I could have said "yeah, because I can't consent to things I don't know about!" Because I can't. (BDSM being what it is, other people are indubitably cool with it, I am not; at all or ever. No surprises, plox!)

So that's what I don't like about your average stage show: I, a participant, don't know what's going to happen, and can't properly consent to it, so it just doesn't happen for me.

It occurs to me, though, that now that I know that, it opens up some other doors. My opposition to stage shows isn't about other people watching; it's about consent. I could probably totally do a properly-negotiated demo-type thing. Hmm!

textures and sensations

I used to think I was a strictly visual person; things always made most sense to me if I could see a picture of them. When I started playing with 'tists this summer, then, I identified myself as a generally visual person.

However, it turns out that, at least as far as hypnosis goes, I'm a pretty kinesthetic person. Touch improves my trance, and indeed, I can go under with the right touch alone; and I'm much better at tactile hallucination than visual ones (so far, at least).

With that in mind, I was explaining to V the other night about my fascination with waffle-weave. You know, this stuff, but for shirts it's finer. I always think people wearing waffle-weave shirts (generally men, I don't see too many women wearing them) are really hot, solely on the basis of their clothing. I also have a thing for short, messy hair.

It hit me, as I was explaining it to her, why I find those things particularly attractive: because they have memorable and well-defined textures. And whenever I see someone with messy hair or in a waffle-weave shirt, my mind on some level goes straight to "we're making out and I'm running my hands ALL OVER that glorious texture."

Guess I'm pretty kinesthetic!

OHHHH I get it now!

When playing with AmHypnotic and Buddy, they both gave me the red-yellow-green string of safewords. AmHypnotic specified that I could say "green" when things were going really well. I said that I probably wouldn't do that, 'cause "green" just didn't sound sexy to me, and would've felt out of place while sceneing, for me.

I'm reading this note and comment thread on fetlife, and one of the commenters notes: "Also it's handy to be able to say "fuck you i hate you green green green"..."

Total lightbulb moment. I am *so* gonna use that in the future. XD

LOL

So, I moved to Western Massachusetts in May. I attended my first munch out here in late June, and fell in with the local kinky crowd. Because classes haven't started yet, most of the people I consider friends are in the local Scene, and that's where I know them from (the other subset of people I know out here are coworkers).

With that in mind, I had an entirely hilarious dialogue with my dad today.

Dad: So, what'd you do all summer?
Me: oh, hung out with friends...
Dad: oh yeah? How'd you make friends?
Me: *palpable pause*
Me: *lightbulb* A knitting group! :D
Dad: *totally buying it* Yeah, that's the great thing about college, there's all sorts of clubs... if you want to do something, you can do it!

I'm totally amused that knitting is my cover for kinky shenanigans ("A knitting group" is also the reason I told my boss I needed tuesdays off). I mean, It's not entirely a lie. I am a knitter, and I did go to one meeting of a knitting group out here. I just haven't been back, because I've been doing things with my kinky friends at the time they meet!

A Post Full Of Gross Romantic Shit

I mean, I like the gross romantic shit. But I know some of you only come here for the sexy stuff. :p


So, my date, whom I mentioned a few posts ago. We had our third date the other night, and it was pretty fun!

It was different from what I've been used to in the last couple of months; I mean, I had the one serious relationship with Nauzy, and then a string of casual, sex-based relationships that didn't end up going anywhere romantic. But this date was different in a good way, in an emotional-needs-fulfilling sort of way.

(I mentioned this to one of my friends before the date: "I have the sexual needs thing all set, I really just want my emotional needs filled!" Afterward, he asked "did she fill your emotional needs? did she fill them good and hard?" *snerk*)

About halfway through the date, we're cuddling obnoxiously on the couch and watching Sherlock. She says, "so, I've been looking into hypnotism... I think it's relevant to my interests."

After a few can not spit it out moments (which I am prone to myself), she communicated that she was interested in learning hypnosis, because she thought it was hot, and was okay with me playing with other 'tists until such a time as she'd become a proficient hypnotist herself.

I had zero problems with that! She then proceeded to spit out that she really, really liked me and wanted to be my girlfriend in an official sort of way. I felt (and feel) similarly, so we squeed at each other for a bit, then updated our relationship status on facebook, to the delight of our coworkers.

She's not on fetlife, so I ended up showing her my profile, and explaining a bit about fetlife, because she wasn't overly familiar with it. She giggled at the few tongue-in-cheek fetishes I have listed ("putting on my robe and wizard hat," "riding a dolphin, doin' flips and shit," and "strange women lying about in ponds distributing swords"... "jedi mind tricks" is half-serious :p)

Then she scrolled back up to the top and looked at my profile picture, which is currently me in a very nice chest harness with my hair being pulled. "I can't keep looking at that," she said, handing my laptop back to me.

"Why not?" I asked, worried for a minute.

"It's too relevant to my interests," she said, smirking.


So, yeah, I have a girlfriend now. A kinky, sexy, wonderful girlfriend. I suppose I'll have to get her a pseudonym. Stay tuned ;)

hahahahahahaha

Remember that trigger Nauzy gave me, once upon a time, that made me feel drunk and horny? "Last friday night" was the wording of it.

I was listening to Katy Perry's new album (for purposes of entertainment and critique), and spittaked really hard when I heard this song.

My old trigger is totally a lyric in a pop song. Bahahahaha.

Fortunately, katy perry singing it did not trigger me. I'm almost positive it was keyed to Nauzy's voice, anyways. But yeah. I will have many secret giggles if that song gets released to the radio!

Arel had a date!

So, the coworker that I've been crushing on, that I mentioned in this post. I asked her out on Sunday, adding "I'm not sure if things would work out between us, but I like you a lot." Namely, I figured she was mono and vanilla, and sub-leaning if into anything kinky at all.

But she accepted, to my pleasant surprise, and last night we had our date. It was an awesome date. :D When she got home, I messaged her and mentioned that I had some serious business stuff that we should talk about, at some point before we had any more dates, and we decided to just have that conversation now. It was about midnight by that point, but I was like "meh, fuck bedtime."

And it turns out that she's kinky. She's a dom. And she's not opposed to having some sort of open relationship structure. And we also connect on all these nerdy, funny, intellectual points, and yeah. I'm REALLY happy! I cannot believe my stupendously good luck!

I mean, it's still, we only had one date. We're not in a relationship yet. But we both really like each other, and we're pretty compatible, so the forecast is very sunny!

CT Hypno Play Night!

So. It was awesome.

I worked till 7 on Saturday during the day, which left me with an hour to get ready between work and the hour-long drive to hartford. I was pretty calm about the whole thing until 6 pm hit, when I realized that there was only an hour left on my shift, and that I was going to be getting my brains tranced out in four hours or less.

It was a really strange headspace. Normally, for me, I would've just felt anxious, but there wasn't a whole lot to be anxious about. After last weekend, I knew there were lots and lots of good things to look forward to, and I was going to know a bunch of people at the event, so basically I was this hot, worked-up mixture of anticipation, lightheadedness, arousal, please-please-please yes-yes-yes, with just a touch of anxiety. Kind of like an anticipatory, counting-your-chicks-before-they-hatch subspace.

I arrived at the Society, parked, reminded myself to breathe, and rang the doorbell. Waiting in line at the door, I saw a strapping gentleman rocking suspenders and a tie in another doorway. He was watching people come in. I glanced at him, nodded, looked at the line in front of me, then double-taked and looked at him again. It was Buddy. I didn't say "it's you!" but I was totally thinking it.

"You look very different without the beard!" I said instead. "Your eyes are the same, though."

We exchanged a few more words, I paid the doorperson, then went straight to the next room, where I put on my awesome boots. Well, they're mostly awesome: they're black, and leather, and totally comfortable, but driving in them is hell, hence the change of footwear. I also doffed my panties, because I could see no use for them. ;p AmHypnotic was there, as was SluttyDee, whom I was glad to see again. I met a few other hypno-kinksters, then we all headed into the main room, where, after some cat-herding, Buddy did a brief hypnosis-101 talk and a sexy demo.

After the demo, there was food and water and socializing. Buddy and I had plans to scene that night, but AmHypnotic, Dee, and I wandered off into the darker back room, figuring that Buddy would come find me eventually. AmHypnotic proposed a scene where, if either Dee or I were being touched, we would feel what the other was feeling. The suggestions ended up not working for me at all, but it was still rather amusing to have AmHypnotic touching my neck, and Dee on his other side moaning louder than I was. I suspect they didn't work because I tend to feel uncomfortable watching people doing sexy things for stretches of time (I'm a terrible voyeur. :p), and that's what the suggestion was based on.

Buddy did indeed eventually come find me, and we all chitchatted about hypno-scenes for a bit. The funniest bit for me was, when AmHypnotic described the suggestion Dee and I had on, and Buddy was like "oh yeah, the time I tried to do that, there was feedback between the two women involved, it was weird."

AmHypnotic removed the suggestion from myself and Dee, and Buddy and I went to the Space's quiet room for some quality time. We did some negotiation between tangents about various kink-related things, then Buddy was like, "well, I could keep going, but I should put you under." And I agreed (it was about time! :p) so we started.

He used his pocketwatch. I was surprised by how quickly my eyes started to blink; it happened before he started saying anything about it. I was also impressed by his Voice, and how even his pacing was, and how subtle his wording was. He did a few deepeners, and I was so incredibly out of it.

The trouble with staying up really late for these sorts of events is that my memory is worse than usual. I remember all of the different triggers we played with, and I have some vivid flashbulb-type memories of bits that were really really hot, but the narrative structure is all lost.

He gave me a re-induction trigger, then we played around with some light bondage. Whenever he said "your wrists are bound," it was exactly what it said on the tin: my wrists would kind of spring together as if they were tied up, and whenever he said "release" they would be untied. He also gave me a sensation trigger (making up terminology as I go along here): whenever he said "good girl," I'd feel as if I was being fingered for a few seconds.

I remember him waking me up and asking how I was doing. I expected to be awake for at least a few minutes, but it was more like a few seconds.

"I'm good!" I said, wondering, as I always do, what 'tists expect you to answer that with, when they tell you, in the wake-up, that you're feeling good and wonderful and happy.

"Good to hear. Sleepy girl Arel."

I have never dropped so fast. It was so hot. Usually, when I'm triggered like that, I have a minute to think "oh, hey, it's a trigger" before I go, and I sink kind of slowly. With this one, bam, I was out.

There was another point, when he was doing a deepener, he asked me to notice how my body might be feeling: was it heavy? tingly? warm?

"Aroused..." I said in my tranced-out voice. I think this startled Buddy, because it was a moment before he continued with the deepener, but it was fine. I mean, it was the truth! XD

After a bit, he woke me up. AmHypnotic had poked his head in the room, and I, being in a rambly headspace, announced "I'm really wet right now! :D"

Buddy put me under using this fabulous round crystal as a focus, wording it so that my eyes stayed open. He gave me some suggestions to the effect that I wouldn't be able to think when I was looking at it, then asked me a couple of times what I was thinking about while dangling it in front of me. And of course, the only thing I could say was "the crystal..."

Hot. That was hot. That was get-hot-and-bothered-at-work, masturbate-myself-to-sleep-at-night hot. A++, would scene again.

Some other people had come into the quiet room, so we went to go find other people. Buddy went off and scened with some other folk, and I hung about for a while, then went of to scene with AmHypnotic.

We did a play-on-words thing, inspired by the metaphor "comes with the territory." My idea. There were two couches in the room where we were, and the other couch (that was vacant at the time), if I was touching it in any fashion, would make me come and continue to make me come until I stopped touching it. I would not remember what the suggestion was, and furthermore, I would feel a desire to go sit on the other couch when he woke me up.

At first I just sat down on it, and waited a minute, and then holyshitohgod I was coming. AmHypnotic helped me to stand up after a minute (because I was coming, I couldn't really move my limbs to stand up), then touched my hand to the couch. I moaned. He lifted it away from the cushion.

"It's nice, but kind of unwieldy, you know?" I said, dazed.

He grinned. "Kneel."

I was confused. I was facing away from the couch, so kneeling wouldn't bring me into contact with it. "Like... this?" I said, doing so.

"Yes," he said, and pressed my hand down to the couch, and held it there. I doubled over, making all kinds of pleasurable noises, writhing a little bit, realizing why he'd had me kneel down. My hand probably would've come off the couch if he wasn't holding it there.

Then we did some blank mind play of our own. AmHypnotic, like any self-respecting 'tist, had brought his pocketwatch, and made my mind go blank anytime I saw it. We tried mixing fingering for real with the pocketwatch, but it honestly didn't do much for me. My mind already goes kinda blank and hazy when I'm being pleasured, so there was no need for the pocketwatch. However, I can think of some fun "let's try to get Arel to talk while she's looking at the pocketwatch" games we could play with it. Next time.

It was getting late at this point. AmHypnotic and I rejoined the group out in the hallway-area. Most of the people there for the hypno-event were chatting and sipping water, though several were in harnesses. I made a pun that I cannot for the life of me remember, and then Buddy shared a pun he'd heard from a friend: Said friend tied a rubber duck to a string, and Buddy was like "what are you doing?" and the friend replied "I'm doing an in-duck-tion."

*gigglesnerk*

Then Buddy, for some reason or other, pulled out his crystal and held it up, and I had time to say "you... forgot that I still have that trigger..." before I went a little blank and my eyes latched onto it. But then he re-told the pun to a few people who'd missed it the first time, and I snerked. Eyes not leaving the crystal, I said in a lucid tone of voice: "see, I'm supposed to be going under right now, but apparently bad puns and trance are incompatible states for me."

...yes, "bad pun" is a state of mind!

Evidently it wasn't as late as I thought (still had 45 minutes till closing), so I told Buddy if he was free and interested, I'd be willing to play with him some more. He was, and he grabbed me and kind of.. he twirled me, and then kind of danced me back into the back room. I thought, at the time, like it seemed rather like someone had read this post. It was pleasantly sexy; I do enjoy being yanked around.

And my memory is failing me; I don't remember at all what we did aside from the aftercare and debriefing. (and I know it wasn't intentional, amnesia-play has so far been not a beginning sort of thing.) I do remember telling Buddy that playing with him was one of the highlights of my night, and indeed it was. I'm looking forward to sceneing with him again!

Extra Good

...the title of this post comes from an exchange I had with a customer at work on Saturday.

"Hi, how're you?" I chirped in my best be-nice-to-the-customer voice.
"Extra good!" He said. He was young, handsome, buying beer and a few other random items.
"Oh, that's good to hear, " I said, and finished ringing him up. "Here's your reciept, I hope the rest of your night continues to be extra good!"
"Yeah, you too," he replied.
"Oh, hehe, it will be."

I also came out to two coworkers. There was a big party (a get-drunk, vanilla one) the same night as the play party, that I was not, of course, attending. A few people were asking why I wasn't going, and I explained by saying that the other event I was going to was "not safe for work," which evidently really piques people's curiosities. When they pressed, I figured I could trust them, and said "A BDSM dungeon."

One of them, this girl I have a bit of a crush on, was like "oh, that's so cool!" to which I replied, "You could go if you wanted to!"
"Yeah, but I'm not really into that sort of stuff."
"Actually, it's erotic hypnosis night, so you don't have to be into the, er, hard-hitting sort of stuff.*"
And she made an interested "wait, what? really?" kind of face and said "wow, hmmm. That's really interesting."

I still got a "not really interested" sort of vibe, but spreading the word and all. >:D


*also, sweet unmerciful cthulhu, when will the puns stop?!

Mantras

AmHypnotic asked me the other night if I had any favorite mantras.

"I have a list written out somewhere, from when my ex-boyfriend and I were doing hypno-play... I'll dig it up and get back to you on that."

I went and found it, exactly where I expected it to be. Funny how the only documents I can keep organized are the kinky ones...

[19:23] Arel: amusingly, "Obedience is Pleasure" was already on there. It was a short list, though, the only other ones I had on it were "I need to obey" and "completely blank, completely controlled"
[19:23] Arel: so, I mean, you're free to pick out mantras if you have something in particular you'd like to come out of my lips ;p
[19:24] AmHypnotic: I'm somewhat partial to "must obey, cannot resist" personally :p
[19:24] Arel: I would be very pleased to repeat that for you :p
[19:25] AmHypnotic: what a good, obedient girl you are ;)
[19:25] Arel: ...I definitely just moaned a little.
[19:25] AmHypnotic: lol, wonderful

I actually love the idea of mantras, but I haven't found too many, they don't feature too prominently in the porn I've been reading lately. Anyone got any good ones?

Aha!

Now I remember. The suggestion was that... when blogging about the skyping I did with AmHypnotic last night, whenever I started a new paragraph, I'd find myself saying "obedience is pleasure, pleasure is obedience," without even thinking about it. And when I hit the "publish post" button, I was supposed to, and I found, that my eyes fluttered shut and I chanted "obedience is pleasure, pleasure is obedience" a handful of times. Which was incredibly hot because it was so automatic.

Unfortunately, it seemed that I was... trying to hard for it to work? Or thinking about it too much. I knew I was supposed to do something, but didn't know what, and didn't want to know what. And, like I described, I ended up trancing a bit and being unable to write about what we did at all. Which is a shame, because I love the idea of being commanded to do something without thinking about it. We'll have to tweak it.

Anyhow, we still did a lot of fun things! First, we played with some mantras. Well, actually, first he triggered me to put me under, then deepened me a bit, then told me to repeat the following mantra, just once: "Obedience is Pleasure, Pleasure is Obedience."

I shivered a little bit. "Obedience is Pleasure, Pleasure is Obedience."

"Good Girl. Now, in a minute, I'm going to ask you to chant that phrase, over and over. While you're chanting, you may hear me saying some things, but your conscious mind might not pick up on them." But, of course, my subconscious would hear whatever he said just fine, would remember it totally. My subconscious would even enjoy keeping this particular suggestion a secret from my conscious mind, it would be a fun game.

So, I began chanting. "obedience is pleasure, pleasure is obedience. obedience is pleasure, pleasure is obedience. obedience is pleasure, pleasure is obedience. obedience is pleasure, pleasure is obedience...." And I could hear him saying things, but I couldn't pick up anything more than a word or a phrase here and there. Or, at times when I could make out a sentence, it would go in one ear and out the other, kind of slippery-like.

At the time, of course, I didn't know it, but his suggestion was that whenever he said the words "finger" or "fingers" or "hands" or "hand," or variations thereon, I'd feel as if he was fingering me, for just a few seconds.

He woke me up. "So, how're you feeling?"

"I'm good!"

"Good! So, we weren't able to play much, physically, at the Society last weekend, but maybe you should tell me the kinds of things you do like before we see each other again. You like feeling my hands on you--"

I moaned. Kind of loudly.

"Uh, so, you really like the idea of feeling my hands on you, huh?

"Aaaahhh... uh, yes?" I gasped, my back arching a little.

"You're looking forward to me fingering you?"

I jerked. "Oh god ohgod... yes...ah!"

He toyed with me a little more like that, then dropped the pretense of trying to have a conversation and just started talking about how good his fingers felt, and how nice his hands were, and fingers, hands, fingers, hands... And I was quickly becoming a sweaty pile of submissiveness.

He relented, finally, and told me to remember, and I laughed and sighed happily, and we chatted about some further ideas for play that night. "By the way," he said after a bit. "How good are you at multitasking?"

I was in subspace, so my answer was entirely rambly. "Well, I prefer to do one thing at a time, like, if I'm writing, I have to shut the music off, or I can't think, like, if I'm studying, or blogging. It's kind of like-- there's a name for it-- you read xkcd, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well, there was a strip a while back, titled "Qwertial Aphasia," and it's like, this thing where you're tying one thing, and hearing another, so you throw in one of the words you heard, even though you didn't mean to type it. In the strip, the guy says, "I can't afford to keep eating out this giraffe," because someone's talking about stuffed giraffes behind him. Anyhow, that has happened to me when I've tried to listen to stuff and write at the same time."

I suddenly realized what we were talking about. "Why, what kinds of things did you have in mind?"

He laughed quietly, but evilly. "Now why would I tell you that?"

I giggled, pleased that he wasn't going to tell me.

After getting my consent for the next scene we were going to do, he triggered me and put me under. This time, the suggestion was that whenever he said "feel pleasure," I would feel him doing something to me, stuff that I liked. It would vary and change each time he used the phrase "feel pleasure," it wouldn't just be the same sensation over and over. I would continue feeling whatever sensation it was until he either said "stop pleasure," I came, or we lost the connection. Also, whenever he said "what are you feeling?" I would effortlessly and easily describe it to him. And this time, I would forget that the entire trance happened. It would seem to me as if we were still having the conversation we were having before. My subconscious would be amused to keep this secret from my conscious mind.

He woke me up. I wondered aloud if my roommate had gotten back from work yet, and he asked what the note I'd left her said. Still subspace-tastic, I rambily (that is totally now a word) told him how I'd made curry for both of us for dinner, so the note detailed where that was in the fridge, and that I'd put at the end "by the time you read this, I'll be skyping with the hypnotist I met on Saturday, so please don't disturb me unless it's an emergency!"

AmHypnotic chuckled, and chuckled some more when I told him how my roommate had double-taked when I told her I went to a BDSM dungeon to meet a hypnotist ("yeah, hypnosis is kind of up-and-coming in the kink world. ...no pun intended."*) Eventually he worked the phrase "feel pleasure" into a sentence, and smirked audibly when I moaned.

"What are you feeling now?"

"You're fingering me," I responded without thinking, not quite in a monotone, but in something that was similar to my trance voice.

"Good girl. Feel pleasure."

"Oh, oh, oh, ohhhhh..."

"And what are you feeling now?"

"You're rubbing your thumb over my clit..."

"Good girl. Stop pleasure."

I exhaled, relaxed a bit.

"Feel pleasure."

And I tensed back up! We kept going like that, my mind having him do everything from biting my neck to outright fucking me, hard.

Then I heard my roommate come back from work.

"You've gone quiet," AmHypnotic noted.

"Yeah," I said, biting my lip. "I'm trying to control myself, lest my roommate hear me. I mean, I did turn on the fan in the other room, but I've been being kinda loud." And I can be quiet when I moan, or at least, I can be quiet-ish. Muffled. If I have to be.

"I think you can feel yourself losing control, though..." he started. "Feel pleasure."

I whimpered.

"That's right... give in to it. Submit to it. Surrender. Feel pleasure."

My roommate's hearing ability was the last thing on my mind at this point. I was in a wonderful, loud, mindless haze, feeling all my favorite sensations and hearing a sexy hypnotist say all my favorite words. It was fucking amazing. /understatement

After a little while, he made me come, which was, you know, hot. :p And then he made me come again, but told me to be totally relaxed during it. That was interesting. I kind of felt like I was floating underwater, except the water flowing around me was the waves of my very drawn-out orgasm. It was nice, but when it ended, I decided I liked the tense-and-thrashy kind of orgasm better.

"Yeah, you're prone to squirming, huh?"

"Yeah, but no, when I'm coming, I thrash."

He chuckled.

"Playing with you is fun," I said, very happy, a big subby grin on my face.

We chatted for a bit about this terrible, terrible documentary on BDSM we watched the other night. It's titled Fetishes, and it's on hulu, if you're stateside and curious. It's mostly about this one professional dungeon in New York City, but it never goes into detail about the other facts of BDSM, despite presenting itself as a Thorough Documentary On BDSM (I mean, the social scene is pretty different, hello). The narrator/documentor also does various stupid things like interrupting people when they're answering his questions, fucking up BDSM terminology ("the submissives are called slaves,"), only showing negotiation once, and interviewing people mid-scene. Mid-scene!

"Seriously, I mean, you've heard me, there's nooo way I could say anything cogent about BDSM in this mindset, " I said, smirking.

" 'BDSM is, like, fun, and... stuff!' " AmHypnotic mocked.

I giggled, then started, because I could hear my phone ringing across the room.

"Something you need to get?"

"Yeah, sorry, I should see who it is, be right back."

He waited patiently (or impatiently, I'm not sure :p), 'till I got back and put my headset back on. "Speaking of giving interviews," I said. "That was my mother."

Not the first time she's called me in the midst of sex, or kink, but what timing, right? I was pretty amused.

Then, let's see.. in the notes I jotted down for myself, after my mom called I have "definitely a big blank space" written, which I'm pretty sure means this was when he gave me the "chant mantra when blogging" suggestions that I detailed at the beginning of this post. After that we were pretty much done for the night. I asked for the time, and he said it had only been an hour. "Jeez, I lose time like woah," I said.

"Did you feel like we did more stuff, or that time flew by, or what?" AmHypnotic asked.

"Um... the amount of stuff we did tonight, it just feels like they should've taken up more time," I replied. Which, you know, can't complain, it means I have more free time!

Anyhow, that's it for this post. Tomorrow's the New England Hypnosis Group's play party at the Society, which I will be attending. I am really, really excited for it, seriously, I am going to be all distracted at work today, thinking about all the kinky shit I'll be getting up to in 24 hours. :D


* I have been making SO MANY terrible, terrible puns lately, without trying at all. I kind of feel like somebody's hypnotized me to make all these puns, but I don't seem to recall anything of the sort... ;)

There Are Mindfucks Afoot

...and something tells me I'm not going to be able to properly write a post about it until I post.

It's like, I know there's something I have to do, and I know what it is, somewhere, but if I try to verbalize it or think about it it gets all fuzzy, or I go into a very light trance, and my writing skills are shot. Er, I mean, I'm not trying to write about the stuff I'm supposed to not remember, but it feels like even if I try to write about the parts I do remember, I definitely go under just a touch, and I am not at all capable of writing in that kind of mindset. You can see how rambly this post is.

so uh, here goes.

Craving

If I'm reading a story that has an induction in it, I'm either masturbating to it, or reading along to see if it puts me under. I almost always do the former, but sometimes I'm just overwhelmed with this desire to feel hypnotized, this burning need to be made mindless and obedient and sleepy, and the type of porn I'm into generally fits the bill.

After experiencing actual hypnosis and control from a 'tist who knows what he's doing, I'm feeling like that, but moreso. Not constantly, but if I get to thinking about it too much, or even if I start reading stories to distract me, I get, er, distracted with thoughts of things I'd like to have him do to me.

It's not unlike the way I felt about sex that one time when I was ovulating, actually. But when my focus is hypnosis it has much more of a submissive, begging kind of quality to it; it's less of a sexually agressive feeling.

In any case, it's not like I'm not going to get my wishes. AmHypnotic and I have done some negotiation for further play, and that will probably happen over skype later this week. And of course, there's the hypno play party this saturday, which I am super excited for!

But it's only tuesday! sigh!

Vignettes

A few sexy details I couldn't fit into the other two posts:

AmHypnotic was familiar with my past difficulties with speaking while in trance, so he got around it in a few clever ways, as I've mentioned: he suggested that hearing my voice while under would make me go deeper (which was good, because half the problem was feeling like I was waking up if I spoke), but he also asked how I felt about hearing my own voice when I was out. Sleepily concise, I only replied "it's hot..." and probably squirmed a little. Knowing that, he saw fit to include it into my re-induction trigger: when triggered, I go under and then say "I am deeply hypnotized."

Aaah, yeah, it's really hot even typing that.

He also did this useful trick that I noticed him using on both myself and Sluttydee: when putting us under, after our eyes have closed and our heads have started to tip, he'd grab our chins and gently tug our heads down. Not only do I find chin-grabbing pretty hot, but having my head being forcibly moved downward seemed to intensify the sense that I was going deeply into trance, and made going under easy.

Fun with an experienced 'tist, part 2

When last we left, our intrepid protagonists were feeling extremely satisfied with the current state of affairs! And about to get more satisfied.

AmHypnotic poked me. "You have sex hair, a little bit, there."

"I feel like I ought to have sex hair!" I replied, laughing.

"How would you feel about an orgasm trigger?"

I don't remember my exact words, but I believe they were to the effect of "fuck yeah!"

So he did that, wording it carefully so that I wouldn't get too overloaded. We didn't test it just then; rather, having recovered somewhat from the afterglow of my two previous orgasms, I decided I needed to find a bathroom and drink some water. Both are things I tend to need after an orgasm, reinforcing the fact that it was real (squee!).

We found Sluttydee, who in turn had found birthday spankings and someone to put her in a harness, and water was had all around. I was immensely amused by the use of red plastic cups, you know, the kind that normally contain gratuitous amounts of alcohol at frat parties...of course, at the Society, there was only water, no alcohol allowed, and the cups were probably the most vanilla thing in the building. We watched some other folk scene for a bit, and Dee and I gushed about hypnotically-induced orgasms (yes yes hur hur hur), then went back to the room we'd been in before.

"I have an idea," Dee announced. "You should sit here--" she patted a big stuffed chair across from the couch, and nodded to AmHypnotic "--and try to put us both under at once!"

"Okay," AmHypnotic replied. "any ideas after that?"

I looked at Dee, and we both kinda shrugged. "You're the top!" I said, half-joking, half-serious. "That's your job, to come up with ideas!"

I was actually pretty interested to see how he was going to put us under using the same induction, but instead he bantered a bit with Sluttydee (while I giggled), then put us under individually and quickly, one right after the other. I wasn't too disappointed ;)

Then he set up a suggestion that my touch on Dee would feel twice as pleasurable to her, and vice-versa, making sure to clarify it for us. He asked if we understood, and I heard Dee intone on my left: "How does Arel feel about this?"

I didn't even have to think about it. "Dee's hot, I'm bi, it's all good," I remember saying, which is definitely not the sort of thing I would've said if I wasn't in trance (I probably would've said "fine" or "yes" and left it at that). This amuses me.

Anyhow, AmHypnotic set the suggestion in place and woke us up, and Dee and I kind of looked at each other. I told her quickly about my neck, so as to give her exactly the right ideas, and this is where it gets fuzzy again... We started out with light touches on not-particularly-erogenous areas; arms and legs and such. Then I think she moved up to my neck, and suddenly AmHypnotic was sitting on my other side, telling her about the suggestion he'd given me about my hands... which, I realized, was back in effect now that we were back in the right room...! And then they were both going at my hands and it felt so, so, so good...

At one point, they were both pressing the center of my hands, and my brain registered that as both of them fingering me at once, and I tried to verbalize my train of thought, which was, "But that's physically impossible! It feels incredible, but what! How!" * but it came out more like "but thaa.... ahhh ohh....oh god" until Dee stopped and asked what I was trying to say. I remember both of them being pleased/amused/aroused by my particular talent for getting incoherent and melty. **

She didn't stop for long, though, and I was again completely awash in these over-the-top wonderful, pleasurable sensations. Then AmHypnotic used my orgasm trigger, and I was coming so freaking hard, and then and then and then. I got to catch my breath.

"I'm so glad I came, literally and, uh, literally," I said, and everyone snerked. But it was accurate, right? I didn't have a figurative orgasm, I had real ones. :D

And then it was Sluttydee's turn. I'd, ah, never been with a girl before, so mentally I was kind of like "I get to touch?? really?!" And touch I did. I was having fun with her now twice-as-sensitive breasts, and legs, and AmHypnotic had put his hand around her throat, and she moaned, "oh, I'm getting all my favorite things at once!" And we played with her a little more, until she kind of gasped "I think you should trigger me," and that's exactly what AmHypnotic did. It was pretty hot, seeing her come.

"Well, I don't think it's gonna get any better than this," I said after a few minutes, "So I'd best head out." And in truth, it was 11, and I wanted to be home and in bed around midnight. *** So they walked me to the door and gave me hugs, and home I went, grateful that no comments had been made about how early I liked to go to sleep. And, well, grateful for a few other things. ;p



*of course, it occurs to me now that it would indeed be physically possible to have two people fingering a person at once, but uh, I bet it would feel different.


** Actually, I was impressed by how completely incoherent they were making me. Generally, I can kind of ignore sensory input from my genitals if I desire, and I can almost always cut through the pleasure to form a sentence if I really want to. I just usually don't want to, because being incoherent is really fucking hot. But yeah, they actually made me interrupt myself with moaning. Which was completely and utterly sexy.

*** I kind of have a feeling that DrSlashBlight is gonna comment and be all "you'd better stay later than that for the hypno play night!" And yes, yes, I am hoping to find somebody who can drive home next weekend, so I can stay later. Or, failing that, I will simply consume an energy drink and weep later about my horrid sleep hygiene. While, you know, simultaneously having a big grin on my face because I'm getting tranced left and right.

Fun with an experienced 'tist, part 1

So, saturday night, it was the same sort of thing, only moreso and with different kinks. I got home from work, showered in a hurry, put on a hot outfit and drove an hour to The Society in Connecticut. I was going there for the munch and play night; to meet and, barring extenuating circumstances, play with one Amhypnotic and his play partner Sluttydee.

Certain friends of mine tried to convince me to go to the drive-in with them, saying things like "seeing Inception with us will be more fun!" But like was like "no way man, I've already seen Inception, and I'm getting hypnotized tonight."

So, I found the place alright, after calling the aforementioned friends to be all "I'm on a sketchy street and there's no signs for the Society, am I in the right place??"

I was. I caught a short, first-timers-to-the-dungeon presentation, then ate some dinner with Amhypnotic and Sluttydee and others at the munch, and then we wandered off to play. There was a room in the back with a bar and some soft lighting and several big, comfy couches that looked, to me, ideal for tranced-out people to sit on. Or lie in various compromising positions on ;)

Amhypnotic put Sluttydee under first, while I watched. I didn't go under that time myself because 1) he did it very quickly, and 2) they were very quiet! (and, 3, I didn't want to go under yet, and he wasn't trying to put me under) I was sitting right next to Amhypnotic, but I had to strain to make out any of his words. Though I did hear Sluttydee saying "yes, sir" very softly every so often, which was really hot.

He told her that she wouldn't be able to see or hear me, that I had gotten up to check out other parts of the Space, but that she would be able to feel me if I touched her. He woke her up, and I had fun poking her with my apparently-cold hands for a bit, but I'm a poor top and not sadistic in any sense of the word, so he put her back under and removed that suggestion.

When he woke her back up, he played with her freeze trigger, which led to Dee saying "I feel like a barbie...wasn't there some kind of life-size one?" And I laughed. "Oh, god, we had a my-size barbie growing up, and my catholic, vanilla, no-sex-before-marriage sister would be horrified to hear me talking about that in a dungeon." They laughed.

I might tell her anyways, actually, she knows I'm into kinky sex, she just doesn't know the details. And it might amuse her.


Anyways! Dee left to go find spankings and rope and a top to do both, which left me and Amhypnotic alone on the comfy couch. "You should put me under," I said, "and give me a trigger to put me back under quickly, and wake me up. Simple stuff to start with." He agreed, and I got into my best hypno-subject position: feet flat on the floor, sitting up straight, palms on lap (to be as comfortable as possible after getting as relaxed as possible, of course).

He did an eye-focus induction, which felt quick, but I lose time in trance, so I can't be sure. I would write out the induction, but I sure as hell don't remember the exact wording he used! XD I can say that he is very good at what he does. Nice soft voice, nice cadence and pacing, excellent safety measures, excellent pandering to the particular bits of my hypnofetish that I'd shared with him. Oh, and he was also stroking my arm the whole time, which was a welcome distraction for my busy mind. Well, previously busy mind. ;)

So, I was under. Longtime readers of this blog will know that I have been no good at talking once I'm out, right? He fixed that by giving me a suggestion that not only would I be able to speak clearly, but that hearing my voice talking while in trance would make me go deeper. And good god, hearing my voice while I'm under is hot as hell. It's all soft and trance-y, and when I'm under I only ever talk when I'm told to, so there's a delicious overtone of obedience there. Seriously. Hot.

He gave me a re-induction trigger with the standard precautions: prefaced it with my name, keyed only to him, and he added that I wouldn't go under unless I was "in a position to do so," which I interpreted as both physically and mentally/emotionally/consensually.

Then he woke me back up, and I am going to take this moment to gush about how nice it is to have a 'tist who knows how to wake you up properly! I am totally capable of waking myself up, but I'm always kind of groggy afterwards, and it ruins the illusion that the top has control over me. I particularly liked the cue Amhypnotic used: his Voice is really quiet, much quieter than his normal speaking voice, so when he's waking you up, he gradually has his voice get louder (or fades his Voice, I spose), so at "five" you can't help but be back and awake. It's awesome.

We decided the next thing we'd do would be to turn up sensation on my skin. And, well, I figured we'd see what happens, but I suspect Amhypnotic had a different outlook. :p I was skeptical, but it totally worked! I told him that my neck was a major erogenous zone for me already, and after he'd turned it up I was writhing around from him just stroking it. It was soooo nice. And hot.

After that, we tried some hallucinated bondage. This was interesting! My attitude towards it was "sounds like fun, if you can pull it off!" not because I was all "ha, prove him wrong" but because my experience with hallucinations has been lackluster, to say the least. He put me under and tied my wrists together with imaginary rope, and tied some sort of... it wasn't really a harness, more like he just tied a rope around my arms and torso, such that I couldn't move my arms or hands much. I remember thinking, vaguely, as he was describing the ties, that such-and-such a tie might not be the best idea, but I went along with it anyways, because it was hypnotic bondage, and the possibilities were limitless. Kind of like being in a dream, where weird shit's happening, but it makes total sense to you at the time. He suggested that I would see, feel, and hear the rope-- "well, inasmuch as you can hear rope. You can hear it rubbing against your clothes, can't you?" he grabbed my wrist and rubbed it over my dress, and I nodded. "good girl."

He woke me up, and I looked down at my hands, kind of dazed. "Well, I can't see it, but, uh, I sure can feel it." I tried to move my wrists around, and I couldn't move them very far apart. "This is so wacky! It's like my disbelief is really, really really really really suspended!"

(awake I might've been, but able to make intelligent statements, apparently not!)

He put me back under and removed the bondage, then woke me up and had me move around to show that the ropes were indeed gone. Then he asked how I felt about turning my hands into a proxy for my pussy. I was all for it (I mean really), though I added "good luck!" and he scoffed at me. "'Good luck'? Good luck with the sensations? Good luck with the bondage? You're better at this stuff than you thought you were." Annnd back under I went.

I was impressed at how he manifested it, and how readily the suggestions took. He started with, "well, you haven't felt my hands playing with your pussy yet, but you can remember others', how good it feels, can't you?" and I nodded and squirmed a little. I think he had me remember about those sorts of sensations a little more, then, to the best of my memory, he went right into "if I touch your palm more lightly, it will feel like more of a teasing sensation, and if I touch it harder, it will feel like I'm touching you more directly..." And he put some safety stuff on it, of course; if I left the room it would no longer work, and after he turned it off it would no longer work.

(for the record: my memories are not fuzzy because we were doing any amnesia-play. They're fuzzy mostly because I am short on sleep, and also the exact words a 'tist uses are not something I generally remember. This is to say, I'm a little fuzzy on details for normal reasons, not unethical or nonconsensual ones.)

So then the real fun started. He woke me up, and shook my hand, obviously amused. "Hi, how're you doing?"

I moaned.

Then he picked up my hands and put them palm-to-palm. "Hm, what does this do?"

I frowned, and squirmed a little, trying to figure it out. "Well, I mean, I guess it'd be like I'm masturbating, right? It... feels... really good." I said, getting melty because he'd moved on to gently stroking around the outside of my palm. "Tease."

"Yes, but you want me to tease you, don't you." Was it just me, or did his voice get just a touch softer? "You love being teased, don't you." He pressed hard on the center of my palm, and I became a small puddle of yes-yes-yeses.

It was an.... interesting sensation, having touch on my hand evoke sensations and reactions the same as someone touching my pussy. It, I, yeah, I'm not even sure I can describe it accurately, other than it felt fucking good and was ridiculous amounts of hot. My subconscious assigned general teasing sensations to any light touch anywhere on my palm, per the suggestion, but then it seemed to take some liberties. A feeling like my clit was being stroked had been assigned to the perimeter of my palm, and a feeling that I was being fingered perfectly had been assigned to the center of it.

I don't know if I've mentioned this on this blog before, but I have some mild performance anxiety with regards to coming in front of other people, including sexual partners. This is compounded by my hypnofetish; I can't really get off unless mind control is in there somewhere. This has resulted in me being able to get myself off just fine (porn!), but no other person has been able to. I mentioned this to Amhypnotic earlier: I didn't object to coming in front of him or Sluttydee, I just didn't think it was likely.

So, back to the couch. Amhypnotic was having a smashing time playing with my hands, and I was having just as much, if not more, fun than he was. It's all kind of a haze of pleasure in my mind, but I remember it feeling really, brain-meltingly, good. I was shuddering a lot, and then he started stroking around and in the center of my palm harder, working into a rhythm, and everything started to feel more tense, and then suddenly suddenly suddenly! I was coming, I was definitely coming, holy shit, holy shit, woah.

He let me catch my breath for a minute, then gave me another orgasm. I slumped over onto him for a minute, all afterglow and subspace, then started babbling. I believe my exact first words were: "I am totally floored... except I'm sitting on a couch, so I'm not!" (again, awake, yes; coherent, no, hehehe)

Like, no! I wasn't sure I was capable of that sort of thing! It was incredible! It felt different than it does when I'm using my hands, but it was similar enough that I can say for certain it was real. Just, ah! Wow!

And we weren't done for the night yet, but I'm going to have to continue this later...

Bondage

I was going to write a big long post about this scene, but a picture is worth a thousand words, right?

Nah, I'm joking. I have a post for y'all.

Friday night, I got home from work around 6. I've been talking to this guy, M, for a while now, just talking. He's a rope top and one of my peers, among other things. He'd asked me to play with him a while ago, but I had declined at the time. This past week I decided that I am now interested, so I IMed him and told him that. His schedule was tight, so we decided "why not now, what the hell," and did some negotiation over IM. Then I changed and met him at his apartment, which is a five-minute walk from mine.

After we'd gone through his toybox and gotten me all trussed up, as you've seen, he decided to toy with me. He untied my hands and laid me on my back. At this point we were making out a bit, playing with a bullet vibe he had. Whenever I called him sir, like I was supposed to, I'd get a shot of the vibrator. I get squirmy when I'm aroused, so I was kind of writhing around his bed at this point, pretty blissed out.

But then he reached over and grabbed something else. He laid a coin on the back of one of my hands, which was holding the vibrator to my clit, and my arm near my elbow, which was up over my head.

"So. If these coins fall off, you'll get some punishment," he said. "Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"Yes what?"

"Yes, sir."

He pulsed the vibrator, and I tried not to squirm too much. "Good girl. And what do you think about this sort of predicament?"

I swallowed. "I think it's rather a pain in the ass, sir." (though not enough of a pain in the ass to safeword, just enough to talk back :p)

"You think it's what? Why would you say something like that? I'm a very nice person, I wouldn't do anything mean to you!"

I smirked a little. It was funny, because M is a totally nice guy when he's not sceneing, too (if he wasn't nice, of course, I wouldn't've let him tie me up). Just, apparently, when he's topping he enjoys being... "a controlling, aggressive person" were his words, I think. ;p

"Just for that, I'm going to do this." He balanced a second coin on top of the two I already had, and then moved to put a small stack of them on my chin.

"How many--" I started to say, then stopped, because if I moved my mouth...!

"Yes?"

Silence.

"What were you going to say? Speak up!"

"How many coins are there-- oh shit" I said, as they tumbled onto the bed.

...somehow I managed to actually avoid getting punished. That, or he wasn't actually going to punish me, which was a mindfuck and then some!



Next, we played a game called "how good is Arel at giving head when she's got a vibrator on her pussy?" Well, okay, that's my name for it. I told M that I'd be happy to give him head, and when he mentioned putting a vibrator to me at the same time, I said "no, then it'd be a terrible blowjob, because I get all melty and incoherent when I'm being pleasured. I can't focus on other things."

And he said "you don't think I'd have fun with that?" And I was like oh yeah, some meanie tops get off on that sort of thing. Typical me, thinking thoroughly inside the box and wanting to please.

It was a good night.

I had further adventures the next night, stay tuned!

Whoohoo!

There's a hypnosis play party/meet-up on August 21st in my area, which I will be attending. I currently have plans to scene with one person, and have tentative plans to scene with another. I'm pretty excited!

Hehehe

So, I work at a grocery store as a cashier. We're pretty much chained to our registers all day (haha, I wish that was literal >.>), so when there're no customers in our lines, we just kind of sit there, or talk to the other cashiers.

The other day I had no customers and no other cashiers in my booth. I was spacing out, daydreaming about something-or-other, when a customer comes up to my register with his groceries. "You looked like you were in a trance!" he said, enthusiastically joking.

I very nearly spittaked. "Yeah, I was off somewhere..."

"Where'd you go? Bermuda or someplace? It looked like it was nice, wherever you were."

I smirked as I started to ring him up. "Oh, yeah, when I go off in a trance, it's almost always pretty nice!"

"the vanillas"

So, us kinky people are, you know, kinky. And people who aren't kinky we refer to as "mundanes" or "vanillas," or "vanilla people" into "vanilla sex," coming from vanilla's reputation as a plain, even boring, flavor (even though vanilla is one of the more complex flavors... go figure).

It's not hard to find examples of kinky folks talking derisively about vanilla sex. Coming from the feminist perspective that I do, I tend to not join in on that sort of thing, since vanilla sexual expression is as valid a type of sexual expression as any other, and being all "OUR SIDE IS BETTER" when both sides are equally fine leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Still, sometimes it's funny, and sometimes it's part of kink pride, which isn't a bad thing!

I mean, being kinky is still a diagnosable condition, at least until 2013 when the DSM-V comes out and you can have paraphilias or enjoy sadism without having a disorder. Kink is still not mainstream. Vanilla sex is what is represented in movies; indeed, usually if there's anything that can be read as kinky it's done without explicit consent and is pretty creepy.

I'm really not sure where I'm going with this, other than apparently someone in one of my my circles of friends was grossed out by my blog and said a bunch of misconceptions about BDSM when I wasn't there, and she was especially put off my use of the phrase "vanilla people." Even though I think "vanilla" is a totally valid descriptor for non-kinky sex, and when combined with "people," it is a perfectly humanizing turn of phrase.

But also, she said "and the concept of a "sex blog" bugs me too. It looks like a way of saying, "I have so much mind-blowing sex and it's like totally awesome!""

Um yes, yes it is. I have a lot of mind-blowing sexual experiences and it's totally awesome! Say it with me, folks!

A Scene That Would Be Hot

I'm having this guy over. Maybe he's an ex of mine, maybe he's a coworker, maybe he's a date I don't know very well yet... regardless, our relationship is such that sexual things aren't supposed to happen yet. Or ever.

I still totally think he's hot, though. And I'm glad to see him, even a little anxious when I open the door and let him in. We start the evening's activities, whatever legitimate thing he was supposed to come over for. Dinner and catching up on each others' lives, perhaps, or small talk, or just general hanging out. Despite the platonic quality of our relationship, there's something sexy and intimate about the evening. Wine with dinner. Soft music playing. Low lighting. Touching accidentally, but not minding. Maybe the movie we're watching almost uncomfortably reflects elements of our relationship, or evokes feelings we didn't know we had.

Slowly, we find ourselves in each other's personal space. Accidental brushes become more frequent. We start looking at each other in a different way. I contemplate his lips, wondering what they'd feel like on mine; his hands, how they'd feel, oh, in my hair, around my back, holding me tightly, working their way down my torso to tease my thighs...

It feels warm, suddenly. I feel warm. I realize he's sitting very close. How did that happen...? But I'm perhaps a little too befuddled by the alcohol, or how good he smells, or our very proximity, to think too hard about that. His face, his lips, are so much closer than before. I stare. He clears his throat, and my eyes jump up to meet his. He looks... delicious, and also... hungry. I vaguely wonder if that's how I look as I realize how wet I've gotten. He's staring at my lips, too.

"We shouldn't," I murmur.
"Or should we," he replies, a wicked glint in his eyes, a half-smirk on those tempting lips... and then he reaches over, grabs my chin, and pulls me forward into a soft, smoldering kiss. Letting me up for air, he asks "More?" and I can only moan my agreement before we're kissing again, harder now, more insistently.

He moves to my neck, letting me make as much noise as I like as he kisses up and down, melting my thoughts away, oh it feels so good... and oh, just like I'd imagined, just like I'd hoped, his hands run down my torso to feel my legs, taut from pleasure. His fingers stroke the inside of my thighs and I moan, ohhhh yessss...






And then, of course, there's a number of ways it could go from here. We could end with some lovely fingering and a (well, relatively) vanilla orgasm, or he could tease me more and make me beg and pull my hair before he fingers me, or perhaps, if I'm really lucky, he'd put me under and give me some sexy suggestions.

I suspect I will have little trouble finding partners interested in doing all of these things to me. ;]

PSA

So, Pseudonymous Dom and I broke up. Not related to the sex, just personal differences.

Kinky Sexting!

One thing Pseudonymous Dom is good at, in marked and very pleasant contrast to Nauzy, is his liberal use of social networking sites and text messages. Last night we were texting back and forth, and I said something about how all of the text-attention I was getting was making me feel awfully submissive, and he was surprised to hear that. He said, "someday I will learn how to work you properly, and it will he hot."

Something about the idea of "getting worked" has been driving me to distraction all day.

And today we were texting about how I have a meeting for work at 10:30 at night (yes, on a regular basis), and how my sleep schedule is totally fucked up, so it's not so bad. It's worth mentioning at this point that I self-identify as a morning person, but since I met Pseudonymous Dom, I've foregone my early rising for lots of late-night sexcapades.

"and whose fault is that?" he asked.
"yours :p :p"
"that is correct. don't you forget it."

I squirmed. Nothing like being talked sternly to to make me feel submissive!

Humiliation/Degradation

The other day I added "curious about degradation" to my fetlife list. It's been something I've been mulling over lately.

Pseudonymous Dom foisted a game of Columns (a strategy game) on me the other day. I'd never played before, and lost spectacularly. I hate losing games. Losing means that I am not competent at whatever game it is, that the other person is better and I have to recognize that. It's embarrassing. It emphasizes a power differential, in a way, between me and whomever I'm playing with. With my siblings, this situation is kind of weird. With a Dom I'm currently fucking, on the other hand...

And then, last night when I was a little drunk (or maybe a lot drunk, I'm not sure), I wandered into this IRC channel I hang out in. Lately that chan has been hearing a lot about my sex life, so I was blathering about how I wanted to get laid but couldn't because I was on vacation. This guy who was new to the chan, who I assume to be around my age, was hitting on me. We bantered for a while, I said some stupid stuff to my ex, and went to bed. I didn't think much of flirting with that guy.

Today, I log in, and said guy is there, pinging me repeatedly and annoyingly. We have the following exchange:

19:53 Arel: Dropkick: so who are you again?
19:53 Dropkick: MSPA dude
19:53 Ginger: The one who's going to DC.
19:53 Ginger: And isn't kinky.
19:53 Arel: ginger, hahahahaha
19:53 Arel: that's right.
19:53 Dropkick: right
19:53 Dropkick: that was me last night
19:53 Arel: I remember!
19:54 Dropkick: I'm sure you do Miss BDSM Bottom
19:55 Arel: I actually identify as a sub, thank you very much :p
19:55 Dropkick: I'm just taking the reference of the opposite of what you requested for in a partner, Arel

This turned me on, so of course the first thing I did was intellectualize it. :p He was talking down to me, and was basically pointing out that he knew some information that I didn't. AND he was making me feel silly and stupid while referencing a time when I'd been horny and foggy-minded and vulnerable.

See, like, I don't think I'd want to be put in a truly humiliating situation, but a little bit of it, like being put in my place or being made to feel helpless, so far seems to be sexy! I will keep an eye out for similar situations in the future.

You will be dissapoint! ...or perhaps not.

I struggle with communicating to my partners exactly the nuance of kink that I like. I can point to it when I see it, of course, but trying to explain what I want people to do to me is harder. (I think the best solution might just be to have a porn marathon, honestly. hotter and less work that way, right?)

Anyhow, this is not a post where I say I've figured it out. :p This is a post where I share a very sexy and vaguely kinky music video with y'all. In the event that youtube yanks it, it's the video for "Parachute" by Cheryl Cole.



The bit right around 0:30 is the vaguely kinky part. He totally grabs her and shoves her around, and it's so hot. The rest is just vanilla eye candy; Cheryl Cole, evidently, is extremely attractive!

A thought on alcohol

before I forget! Also, disclaimer, I am somewhat drunk at the moment. drunkblogging: don't try this at home, kids!

Alcohol makes me dizzy, and makes it harder to form coherent thoughts. It also makes me really, really wet. After a certain point, I'm usually just like "oh god I am so horny and can't think about anything other than sex, somebody needs to come take advantage of me NOW"

I will come back and edit this post to say something more sensical about why I like this state. Although, for a sub, it's probably pretty self-evident ;)

Ovulation

So, for the duration of my relationship with Nauzy, I was on the pill for birth control. I stopped taking it about a month ago; it worked fine for me, but I wanted to get back in touch with my body and other hippie-like things. :p

In any event, I ovulated last month, a few weeks ago, for the first time since I've become sexually active. It was basically two days of fucking awesome (though sadly not two days of awesome fucking), and I've been trying to figure out what I liked about it so much. Mostly because I've been gushing about it to people, and they've been asking what was so awesome about it, and I didn't really have an answer for them.

While ovulating, I felt confident, sexy, and generally much less inhibited. I was also horny for the better part of 48 hours, as you'd expect. Not in an "uugh I am so sexually frustrated BLAH" sort of way, like I've felt in the past; rather, it was a completely unbidden, really sensual sort of experience. I felt like I really needed cock (that was my exact line of thought at one point*), but I also felt like if I were to get cock then that I would enjoy it like I'd never enjoyed sex before. I was also hallucinating stuff really nicely.** Here's an excerpt from my journal:

So, two days ago, at the munch, I flipped through a couple of how-to-do-sexy-bondage books. They aroused me more than bondage normally does, and more than I would have expected from, you know, a how-to book. I went home and masturbated and had the most incredible orgasm, twice. I chalked it up to not having been laid, and not having been laid kinkily, for about six months.

Yesterday I was supposed to meet this guy for a date that might possibly lead to sex in the near future. Due to a misunderstanding on my part, we missed each other. As I was sitting in the cafe, waiting for him to show up, I very vividly and suddenly imagined him, sitting across from me, leaning over the table to kiss me, hard, with tongue. And it was so weird, because I could almost feel, on my lips, what a kiss would feel like, and how good it would feel, right then, and my stomach dropped in the most pleasing way that it does when I really. want. sex. I went home, masturbated some more, had some more friggin' awesome orgasms.

I should also add that, when I was trying to decide what to wear on the date, I decided "aw, fuckit, heels it is," when I never wear high heels, and have never worn high heels to a first meeting with someone. For some reason, I associate wearing sneakers and conservative t-shirts with being capable and in control, and skirts and heels with being out of control (or in someone else's control). since you have to be somewhat cautious on a first meeting, not being in control is not ideal. Dressing up for a first meeting makes me anxious. But this time, it didn't; probably because I already felt out of control.

I wasn't sure when I was going to ovulate that cycle, or if I was going to at all (first couple months off the pill are usually a little wonky), so I wasn't expecting it. And then, pow, all of a sudden I was horny and thinking about sex all the time, and masturbating five times a day, and doing things like having a working imagination. It's rather like I was triggered! Hmmm!

I think the disinhibition and spontaneity I felt are the keys to why it was so awesome. My personality is usually very cautious and inhibited and anxious (or neurotic, in psychologist jargon), so not feeling that was... well, freeing, at the very least. Combine that with arousal, and ovulation starts to look like the way I feel on alcohol, or the way I'd love a trigger to make me feel.

Fascinating! And hot!

*I think I was thinking about sex with my roommate when I thought that. My roommate is hot, and sex with her would be fun, but she is cisgendered and therefore lacks cock. I wanted a fucking by a cis man, so she simply would not do.

**This bit is actually... well, let's put it this way: I am TERRIBLE at hallucinating things when a 'tist tells me to. But I am clearly capable of hallucinating tactile sensations, as this, er, episode reveals!

Vacation

Nice things about being on vacation: no work, no shoulder ows, shopping, s'mores, nostalgia, ice cream, jokes that only my family will laugh at.

Not nice things about being on vacation: no sex! and no talking about sex, repressing a good half of my personality for my family, none of the sexy people I know in Sunderland.

Essentially, no blagoposts for a few days! See you all next week!

Ha!

So, at Haven, I ran into one of my coworkers (I currently work at the local Whole Foods as a cashier). She's extraverted, somewhat older than me, and her personality just comes across as really... bright and thorough, kind of. Wholesome, even, is how she comes across. She's cool.

And definitely not the type I would have expected to run into at Haven! She was like "Arel!" (though obviously not using my internet name :p) and I expected it to be some more of my kinky friends, and I totally double-taked. She was there with her boyfriend, in a much more awesome pirate costume than I was. Long boots, big red dress, awesome feathered hat and waist cincher. "I got it just for this," she said.

Today, she came through my line at work and was like "So, it was really nice to see you at Haven!" And I nodded and said how funny it was that I was even there, since it was totally a last-minute thing. And she was like, "oh, yeah, it's funny, too. I used to go to Haven all the time, 'cause I was really active in the Scene." And I blinked, evidently not realizing how synonymous "Haven" and "Kink" were until that moment. She continued, "but I stopped, because people kept bothering me, and it was just... bleh." (I'm totally taking blogger's license and paraphrasing here.)

"Nobody came up and talked to me," I said, "although, I'm new, and I was also... with someone." (where by "with" I meant "obviously making out with at times")

She nodded halfway through my sentence. "Yeah, you were with someone, and I was really into the local Scene, like going to parties at people's houses. But, yeah, my boyfriend goes all the time and got me to go with him. I'm really glad I ran into someone I knew!"

And I picked my jaw up off the floor and gave her her receipt!



The funniest part, in my opinion, was how clueless the other cashier and the bagger in the vicinity were. "haven" and "the scene" are pretty generic terms to mundanes. As would "munch" be, god knows I've had to explain that concept a few times! We were basically talking in code, which I am always a fan of, about sex, at work, which was just amusing and... rule-breaking-y. (talking about sex at work is okay sometimes, but not recommended because it can create a harassing environment)

So, I was formerly out to one coworker about being kinky, and now I'm out to two and have a fellow kinkster at work. I wonder if she's on fetlife, or if Pseudonymous Dom knows her. That would be amusing! Small word!

Well!

So, Pseudonymous Dom tried to hypnotize me properly yesterday, just a basic induction and wake-up. It worked fine, but he said it was not what he was expecting, and he does not currently have the time to learn how to hypnotize me, though he's still interested in playing with me.

Given that I've got an offer to do hypno-play from somebody else, I am disappointed but okay with this. Actually, even if I didn't have another offer, I'd probably still be disappointed but okay. What am I supposed to do, tell somebody to spend emotional resources they don't have? :p

Anyhow, so that happened, and his fiancee and I and a few mutual friends went to Haven, for Pirate Night. Confession time: it was my first time going to a club ever! And it was a blast! I mean, I always figured I would like clubbing, it's dancing and alcohol and sexyness, and I like all of the above. But, you know, now I have empirical evidence to that effect.

And if I'm not mistaken, there was almost a threesome at the end of the night, which would have been interesting! Among other things! I will keep y'all posted! ;)

I believe the best way to title this post is "omgyes"

So, he left, and I grumbled something about being all hot and bothered, thinking about how tired I am of getting off to porn recently. Something about having the real thing dangling right in front of your face makes reading inductions to get off kind of a drag. I brushed my teeth and got into bed, then it occurred to me that I should check my text messages, see if my roommate had responded to my "hey, I has a dude over, FYI"

She had, but I also had a second message! "You still up?" it had been sent twenty minutes ago.
"ah, well, I'm in bed, but yes, still awake," I thumbed.
"I was wondering if you wanted me to finish what I started with the kiss I gave you as I was leaving."
"oh, very much so. do you mean, now?" I half-expected him to be all "when I see you on tuesday, that is!" and be a tease, but I was hoping not. As I replied, I got a second message from him: "to meet you at the door, take you by the hair and push you into the apartment, my lips on yours, my hands around you..."
I gasped a little, really hoping that he wasn't going to make me wait. I got another message. Very brief, just "yes." Now.
"*squirms* I'm currently naked and in bed, will that be a problem?"
"it will not, as long as you let me in" I leaped out of bed, and my phone buzzed again. "on my way. hope you like being pinned against a wall"

So, he arrived, metal fingernails from his sensation play kit in hand (or on hand, rather :p). He grabbed my hair and kissed me and pushed me up against a wall, just as he'd promised, then used my very oldest trigger that I'd told him about. Stroking my temples downward puts me into a pretty light trance, but a trance nonetheless. He then tried to make me come on command, and it just did not work, because I am le suck at hallucinating things (that is, in fact, the scientific term). Especially in so light a trance. I brought myself out of the trance after he'd stopped and said "um, A for effort?"

"well, I can certainly make you feel things without hypnosis," he said, and I brought him to my bedroom. Conveniently, I already had zero clothes on (not even socks! :p), and we shortly got to fucking like rabbits.

Now, I'm pretty sure it's because of my submissiveness, but during sex, I, hm. It's not that I'm unresponsive (because I can get really loud), it's just that I prefer to lie back and take it, if you will, instead of being ridiculously active during it. Let's put it this way: I have never been able to be the partner on top because I can't properly enjoy myself if I have to be actively fucking my partner. (also I've never been willing to figure out the mechanics of being on top, probably because I don't particularly like those positions ;)

Pseudonymous Dom picked up on this. "I don't even have to tie you up," he said after we'd started, and I couldn't tell if it was domly musing or dirty talk. Or both. "I can just do this--" he thrusted again "--to you, and you can't even move, can you?"

I moaned.

"You can't control your arms, and the only thing you can do with your legs is wrap them around me... "
"I...ohhhh...."
"hmmm?"
"I... could.... move my arms... if I wanted to," I asserted, between moans. "I just don't want to."
"And you can't even quite focus your eyes, can you?"
"ohh, no..." and indeed I couldn't. I kept trying to look up at him, but I wasn't able to do so for more than a few seconds before my eyes would roll back.

And it went on like that for a bit longer, and it was hot, and although I did not go into subspace, it was still excellent. And now I have to go to my cashiering day job with two giant hickeys on my neck.

Having a play partner is a blast.

Hair-Pulling

Pseudonymous Dom came over tonight, and we chatted about the gulf war and ate food and made out a little. And watched this video. Nothing particularly kinky. It was fun, and nice. And then, at the end, in the doorway:

"Oh yeah, my fiancee likes it that you make me more domly. I hope you don't mind that we're using you like this :p"
"mmmm"
"You'll get some benefits out of it. :p"
"I'd better get something out of it!"
"You might also get some immediate benefit out of it."

And he suddenly pulled my head back by the hair and kissed me, hard. And then left.

...I believe I am officially into hair-pulling!

I Has a Play Partner

So, here's how Arel's sex life suddenly took a turn for the awesome!

Not having gotten any for about a month and a half (not even vanilla sex! and it starts to get to me after three weeks!), I had the day off of work and was browsing fetlife. I happened upon an event listing for the local TNG munch that was meeting in three hours, so I psyched myself up and went! I met a bunch of sexy people there and friended one of them on fetlife, and he shortly messaged me saying he was interested in hypnotizing me.

Kind of a hard offer to turn down, you know? ;p Nah, I was good and took the appropriate precautions, found that he was not an axe murderer, and then awesome stuff happened.

Namely, I discovered that sensation play is really fucking awesome, and got my brains fucked out in a pleasant, if somewhat vanilla, fashion. :p Okay, and by "pleasant" I mean "really hot and omgIneededthat" fashion. And it was still kinda kinky, I was in an under-the-bed restraint thing for most of it. :p

I'm seeing him again on... tuesday? And I will most likely be getting hypnotized. By a real dom! I seriously cannot wait. Three days, but who's counting >.>

Ready to Get Back Into Stuff

Well! It's been a while. I'm now living in Sunderland, MA! I went to my first-ever real munch yesterday, in Hadley. It was pretty fun! I'm looking forward to getting to know the kinky community in Western Mass, and hopefully getting hypnotized by someone who's as into it as I am.

I'm single!

So yeah, Nauzy and I broke up about a month ago. Female sub into hypnosis, now available and looking, tell your friends!

Since the time Nauzy and I broke up, I managed to arrange a friends-with-benefits thing with this guy who lives in my building. He's super-vanilla, though, even at mine and Nauzy's most vanilla we were kinkier than this. Well, okay, he's alright with light bondage. I think it's kind of at the point where some bondage is vanilla, though. Who doesn't know the "tie your lover up and tickle them and/or lick chocolate body paint off of them" fantasy hawked by women's magazines everywhere?

Actually, this guy wasn't weirded out by my fetish or anything when I told him the other night, he just wasn't super-excited by it. Frankly, I expected more of a reaction than "*shrug* okay." Even horrified would've been more entertaining! :p

Ah well. In the meantime, I expect y'all will be hearing about my dating adventures till I meet someone.

My new year's resolution: awesome sex all the time

Delicious drinks were had on new year's eve, and I've unscientifically determined a bit about alcohol and me! Basically, alcohol makes me really horny. Really horny. I remarked to Nauzy, "I'm not sure how much of the falling-all-over-you was the alcohol, and how much was my subconscious just wanting an excuse to grope you." Seriously. It was pretty fun.

Interestingly, I had no desire to go under, and indeed, I didn't, while I was intoxicated. Not for a lack of situations where I could've, though. When I'm sober, sometimes Nauzy'll whisper something hypnotic and sexy into my ear, and oops, down I go! He accommodates this by noting if I get motionless or limp (which is usually how I respond to trance), and snapping his fingers, which wakes me up.

Apparently I must've been clinging to him and seemed to go under, because he snapped his fingers at me a few times when I was not at all thinking about trance. I was not interested at all in going under: I was mostly thinking about sex. With him. Lots of it.

While this may seem uncharacteristically vanilla of me, it's really not! What I like about hypnosis is being out of control, and alcohol produces the same effect. The two states don't feel anything alike, mind you; it's just that when I'm intoxicated, there's no need to put me under because I'm already in a state I love to be in.

He used my "feel drunk" trigger later, when we were both sober. It worked (inasmuch as "feel drunk" is synonymous with "feel horny" for me), but it definitely needs to be strengthened now that I've had some real experience.

Meanwhile, my new year's resolution is getting off to a very good start. ;p