Noobish mistakes, but some good news, too

We should probably find Nauzy a mentor, or something. We do all kinds of hypnotic stuff just slightly wrong, because neither of us knows better. This time: fooling around with my sexual orientation.

I've been bi-curious for a while, and Nauzy and I decided to give me some suggestions to boost my attraction to girls. They worked, but then my sex drive disappeared and I asked him to remove them. In reality, it was probably due to me being overtired than anything else, but I'm glad they're gone. They worked a little too well, I think-- I ended up craving sex with a woman, any woman, and seeing as most of my friends are women, it was a little awkward for a few days.

Live and learn, right? I do have good news, though!


<Nauzy> wasn't always the case but lately I've fantasized more frequently about talking my way into the pants of girls who have no idea who I am and yet can't help but go along with it....
<Nauzy> talking/molesting/whatever
* Nauzy shrugs
* arel's clit tingles a bit
<arel> go on.. ;)
<arel> (sounds hot. might be good for a story)
<Nauzy> (<.<)
<Nauzy> (>.>)
<arel> (hell..... here, if it was a story, it'd be the kind of story I'd bookmark.)
<Nauzy> (HMMMM)
<arel> (specifically the "talking my way" bit and "can't help going along with it" parts. ;)
* arel gets all wet and shit
<Nauzy> usually though I'm very vague in my own fantasies on the kind of things I say/do... concentrating instead on my victims' flustered, stumbling comments of helplessness....
<arel> >.>
<arel> <.<
<arel> like what?
<Nauzy> well
<Nauzy> "wait... no... ah... I--I can't stop..."
* Nauzy shrugs
<arel> and eventually they succumb to whatever you're doing?
<arel> I think we may be... fantasizing on the same wavelength.
<arel> I *really* like the kind of role the girl's playing there.
* Nauzy rubs hands together... and shit :p



Essentially, Nauzy and I have complementary fantasies. I think this'll bode very well for the future.

First Security Check

So, remember once upon a time Nauzy gave me a few security suggestions, because I was having trust issues? Well, we found that they work remarkably well.

I told him last week that it would be hot if he put me under and I woke up being fucked, not remembering anything in between. Kind of like what Claire wanted in chapter three of Busman's Holiday (terrible that I know that :p). Apparently the idea appealed to him too, because that's what he set out to do when I let him have his way with me this weekend.

He used a trigger he put in a while back where he kind of shouts "sleep!" and I go under. I prefer one where he doesn't shout, but as long as I go deep it doesn't really matter in the end. :p He rambled a while, and I went further down, then he used a staircase deepener. I really like his staircase deepeners; I'm usually terrible about visualization, but they work well for me. Probably because I'm sleep-deprived and can relate oh-so thoroughly to the idea of wanting to just tumble into a big bed with soft, fluffy pillows...

Eventually I was pretty much out (navy blue, but definitely not blank), so he started to take my clothes off. Now, the room was cold, and even though I was in his bed under some blankets, my naked self started to get cold, and colder still when he moved the blankets to hop in with me. But I was deep, so I'd go along with what he wanted, then think, "but I'm cooold, and what is he doing; I should wake up and say something..." and then I'd be like, "but I'm sooo comfortable right now, I don't wanna wake up..." and I'd kick my skirt off my ankles or whatever.

Here I will note that being hypnotized seemed to override my reflex to shiver; I just didn't.

Eventually we were both naked, and he moved to see how wet I was. He dipped a finger in me, and I heard, "oh, you are a bit wet..." Now you guys all know that sex just does not feel good if the woman's not wet (unless she's a masochist, and let me tell you, I am the anti-masochist :p). I didn't question the fact that I'd been under for a while, and hypnosis rarely fails to make me eight kinds of dripping... but I was hypnotized. So my poor literal subconscious was all, "okay, I'm not that wet; he'll talk to me some more or something." But I felt Nauzy move to enter me, and my eyes flew open and I said, terrified, "but I'm not wet!"

And then it was kind of awkward, because I was completely awake (and I mean completely awake) and Nauzy felt terrible, and I felt violated on some level. Which bothered me, because nothing bad had happened and I shouldn't've wanted to curl up fully clothed somewhere else. But the evening ended on a sour note, unfortunately.

Nevertheless, I try to keep a glass-half-full frame of mind, and the plus side is that I didn't hesitate to wake up when I felt I was in danger (yes, any kind of pain is danger to me. :p). So my security works well, and that's good.

Bit of a rant, fishing for advice

I am terrible at hallucinations, and this really annoys me. The other day we were trying to get me to imagine I'm being fingered when he says a certain word (for very wicked play at whole foods, I'm sure ;). He put me under, gave me the suggestion, actually fingered me for reference, repeated the suggestion a few times, and woke me up.

Then we tested it, and... while I reacted strongly, I didn't feel anything. Really wierd, hard to describe. To a viewer, it sure looks like I feel like I'm being fingered, but I didn't feel like I was at all, though the urge to squirm around was somewhat uncontrollable. :p

Anyhow, just venting a bit. I'm sure it's a matter of practice or something.

First Experiences With Amnesia Play

While I'm wary of freezing triggers, I am an enormous fan of amnesia-play. I'd love to, say, wake up and be tied up and have no idea how I got there. Or have Nauzy say some word and I start reacting somehow, and I know he must've put a trigger in but don't remember it...

But I digress. :p

One quick thing I should clue you in about: Nauzy and I go to different colleges, so during the school year we only see each other about once a month. All of the hypnosis I've blogged about so far has been over skype or, more rarely, over IRC.

But this past weekend was all in person, so we got to have some fun.

We were hanging out in bed, making nerdy pillow-talk, when he triggered me to go into trance. And down I went, into my fuzzy-grey place, deep enough to take suggestions pretty well (though who am I kidding, I take suggestions even when I'm lucid!). This time, the suggestion was that as soon as I woke up, I'd feel an irresistible urge to wrap my arms and legs around him, and I wouldn't stop till he said "pizza"...and that I wouldn't remember that he'd suggested it, I'd just find myself falling all over him.

I'd give you some nice juicy hypnotic dialogue, except that I don't remember it. ;)

So then he woke me up, and I immediately draped my leg over his waist. I think the best way to describe my mental state is that I had a case of doublethink. I remembered quite clearly what he'd suggested, and yet I knew that I wasn't supposed to think about it, so I remembered... but just didn't think about it.

It was a very strange state, and I was sorry to tell him that I knew pretty much what was going on (with my arms around his neck, of course). :p But it was a very fun first attempt, and I expect it'll get better with time.

Also, one more thing: Last night he was installing a safety update, so to speak; putting in a few suggestions and reminders that, no matter how deep I am, I will reject any suggestion that goes past my limits. That's important and good and makes me feel quite safe, but the exciting bit is that I think I've finally figured out how to rank how deep I am properly! I used qualitative ranking instead of a quantitative one, and man, did it work!

There's "really light trance", and "light golden-brown trance", then some deep blue ones... "deep", "deep enough to take suggestions" and "really deep, fire away." then I suppose there's a gap until you get to that wonderful-but-elusive state where I blank out completely.

I'm quite psyched that I've good a good system. Though I think I'll have to find better names if I'm going to be telling them to Nauzy when I'm out!

Ups and Downs

Wednesday or Thursday night we had a really good session. :D Nauzy repeated my reinduction trigger over and over, and I went into a wonderful space each time. I typically associate really deep trance with no movement, hardly any speaking, and an inability to feel one's body; accordingly, I don't consider myself deep/ don't go as deep if I have to move or talk a lot, and I really don't consider myself deep if I can feel where I am in space. When he used my trigger, I went deep. Didn't think, didn't move; I was there, everything was his voice and this grey-white-sparkly-fuzzy space. Very floaty and nice, kind of hard to do justice to. But when I'm there, I know it... even though I am not thinking about it. ;)

And last night was an off night. He tried the triggers, they worked, but not so well. I was in a trance, but not a good one and not a deep one. I wasn't getting into the right headspace; I was tangentially thinking, there was a lot of background noise. Just not a good night for it, so we called it quits instead of pushing. It did serve to remind me that even though we're getting a hell of a lot better with hypnosis, it's not gonna be perfect all the time. Just like with vanilla sex, or anything really: good or bad, there'll be days when it's just One Of Those days. And that's okay.

In less solemn news: Nauzy has indeed expressed interest in a freeze trigger for me. This is pretty exciting in that it's something he wants to do (as opposed to me telling him what I want), and in that I know he'll be deriving enjoyment from teasing me while I'm frozen.

My reactions to actually having a freeze trigger are actually mixed; I've never, ever been interested in them before, and they kind of scare me. I think part of it is fear of humiliation (freeze triggers remind me of hypnosis shows, which I don't like, as well as little tricks like making the subject forget a number or have her hands stuck together, which I hate and will not ever do.) Part of it's also the fear of not having a way out, or being frozen for long stretches at a time.

On that note, I should probably tell Nauzy these things. *runs off to do so*

More about triggers

Okay, fellow hypnobloggers: what kind of terminology do you use when you're talking about giving someone a trigger? I guess it's a bit like the debate I read on one of the forums about what to call a subject (subject, victim, hypnotee, partner in crime...). One term sounds too clinical, one too sinister, one too silly.

I suppose "give someone a trigger" works just fine, but it's wordy. I prefer "install" myself, but I think that comes across in an either non-consensual way or a fembot way. *shrug* I mean it in a programming-analogy way, because I think programming's rather sexy. And I like to make analogies out of everything, so there you go. That's the word I'll be using, anyways; feel free to sound off with your own words.

On that note, I have to confess that I lied in my last post. We did test my triggers last night, at my behest. You know, it's frustrating, sometimes, to get Nauzy to understand how badly I want to be hypnotized. I am to hypnosis as he is to sex, I guess, or even more so: I'm not comfortable with huge public displays of affection, but I'd be pretty thrilled to go under in public (and he's the opposite in both respects, of course. :p). I can honestly say that in nine cases out of ten, I'd rather be hypnotized than have an orgasm (at least when I've got my own personal hypnotist on the line ;).

So anyways, I asked if we could test the triggers, and he quite happily, I think, obliged. He tested the make-me-masturbate one first, though, when I was expecting the reinduction trigger. Figures. :p

The make-me-masturbate trigger (hereafter referred to as the "release trigger," as that's one of the words used) worked a lot better than I expected. I know that it was, at least in part, due to me already being worked up over his voice, but it worked and set a, uh, very hot precedent. Best orgasm I've had in days.

I had to remind him that I had one more trigger ("and the other one?" "uh..what other one?" "the reinduction trigger?" "oh yeah. Sleep."), and I was honestly kind of disappointed; I barely went under. However, I think I know the problem: usually when Nauzy hypnotizes me, I'm sitting up, and my head drops as I relax. Last night, I was lying down in my bed, and there wasn't too much head-dropping I could do. It's kind of annoying that head-dropping has become a factor in my going under, but there's not much we can do but practice and try to eliminate it. And even if it never works it's okay, since I go so deep so quickly when he's doing a full-out induction. Which I prefer anyways, it's such fun to struggle. :p

Finally, I think the best part of the night was after he'd woken me up, he said, "I would like you to find a few hours with lots of privacy, so we can just play with your triggers."

Yes!

Triggers

(I did add my wonderful boyfriend as an author here, but I know that he won't post much. :p)

So triggers! I'll be honest and say that I am dying to have a really solid working one. As of now, I've got a couple that are lukewarm and don't do anything particularly sexy: a verbal one that puts me to sleep (literal sleep, as in before I go to bed, you :p), and a verbal one that puts me back into trance.

I suspect that the lukewarmidity of my triggers is due to my own preconceived notions about trance, and the fact that I'm still partly guiding 'Nauzy in what to do. Usually when I go under, I am still pretty lucid and my brain is, sadly, still running a commentary on what's going on. I'd like to think that when I'm really deep I won't think at all or have much memory of what happened in the trance.

This has, happily, happened a few times; I've woken up and been like "so, how far down did you count?" because I can't remember anything past 60. But that state has been tricky to recreate --I've got to be in just the right mindset-- and apparently there're no outward indicators of when I get there, no breathing changes or REM or anything.

At the moment, my reinduction trigger works, but it's not "zappy" enough for my tastes. He'll say the words, and I'll slump down and I definitely go under, but not very deep. Full inductions work better for me (and they're hotter. :p).

But we're working on that. I'd love a reinduction trigger that just puts me out into the forgetful-place, hopefully it's not impossible. I have to learn to relax, I guess (:p). To let go.

I once used the analogy that hypnotizing me was like programming my mind (he's a computer programmer, y'see), and 'Nauzy noted: "ah! 90 percent of it is debugging!"